Other Confessions
I love the 70s Vibe.
Step into a time machine that smells faintly of patchouli and questionable life choices with the 70s Vibes collection. Whether you’re a Gen Z "old soul" who’s convinced you belong in a wood-paneled basement or a seasoned veteran of the disco wars looking to reclaim your glory days, these shirts are your new uniform for romanticizing the era of bell-bottoms and leaded gasoline. We’ve captured all the grainy, saturated glory of the 1970s—minus the actual discomfort of itchy polyester—so you can look effortlessly cool while pretending you know what a 8-track player actually does. It’s high-def nostalgia for a lo-fi decade, perfectly curated for anyone who thinks history peaked somewhere between the release of Taxi Driver and the invention of the pet rock.
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I see talking produce... All the time. They're everywhere!
Finally, a clothing line for those who feel their personality is less "mainstream harvest" and more "forgotten in the back of the crisper drawer." The Produce Parody collection combines the warm, fuzzy nostalgia of 1970s kitchen kitsch with the crushing weight of modern existential dread. Why bother explaining your complex inner landscape when you can simply wear a vintage-washed screen print of a bell pepper having a mid-life crisis or a head of lettuce questioning its own structural integrity? It’s the perfect aesthetic for the disillusioned romantic who wants to look like a mid-century grocery ad while silently broadcasting that they are, in fact, one minor inconvenience away from bruising like a delicate heirloom tomato.
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I am who I am.
Are you tired of people assuming you have a personality? Take control of the narrative. Whether you're a Civil Engineer with structural puns or a History Buff who spoils every movie, we have the label you need to ensure people know exactly what they're getting into. It’s like Witness Protection, but instead of a new life, you just get a better shirt.
Why bother with a LinkedIn profile when you can just walk around with 'Irresistibly Intellectual' or 'Volume Control Is Broken' printed on your chest? This collection is designed for the person whose resume is just a list of very niche obsessions and a really good recipe for toasted sandwiches.
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I love anything Vintage.
Dive into the Vintage Parody Graphic Tees collection, where the whimsical charm of 1930s rubber hose animation meets the crushing weight of modern existence. This line features "official" souvenirs from fictional local haunts like Jalapeño Bob’s Taco Stand, complete with a mascot who is suspiciously cheerful for someone being eaten. We’ve also hijacked retro cartoon aesthetics to create a visual shorthand for your current mental state, whether you’re identifying as a Sailor Cat declaring tinned fish the "official snack of social burnout" or just vibing with characters who look as unhinged as a Tuesday morning. It’s the perfect way to rock a high-def, satirical look that says, "I appreciate classic art, but I also have the attention span and emotional stability of a vintage cartoon on loop."
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I love a classic movie redux.
“Why overuse pixels when a few shapes will do the trick?”
Hollywood spends hundreds of millions of dollars on CGI, practical effects, and A-list actors. We spent about eight minutes in a vector program. The Minimalist Parody of classic movies is for the cinephile who wants to show off their vast cinematic knowledge while putting in the absolute minimum amount of visual effort. We’ve stripped away the "distractions"—like faces, lighting, and recognizable logos—to give you the raw, geometric soul of cinema. These shirts function as a Rorschach test for your friends. If they see a masterpiece, they’re cultured. If they just see a triangle, you probably shouldn't let them borrow your Criterion Collection Blu-rays.
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My pet has issues.
Celebrate the glorious absurdity of your household roommates with the Pets collection, a minimalist tribute to the creatures who have successfully tricked us into providing free room and board. This line features quirky, mid-century-inspired illustrations of the eccentric dogs and cats we share our lives with, capturing their most baffling and unsettling behaviors in high-def satire. Whether you’re broadcasting a warning about your cat’s scheduled 2:32 am Zoomies, explaining to guests why your cat Sprinkles is jelly of a houseplant, or wearing a literal translation of your dog’s separation anxiety howling, these shirts are the ultimate nod to the "love-hate-mostly-love" relationship we have with our pets. It’s a playful, slightly judgmental salute to the fur-covered agents of chaos that prove, once and for all, that we are just guests in their world.
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I'm in a mood.
Master the art of the intentional blank stare with the Mood and Statement collection, the premier wardrobe for those who prefer their self-expression with a side of total bewilderment. These tees are the ultimate "if you know, you know" flex, featuring minimalist, ultra-literal designs that serve as a secret handshake for your specific tribe while leaving everyone else checking their Wi-Fi connection. Whether you’re broadcasting a low-battery social warning, declaring your status as an absolute "Bread" enthusiast, or rocking an upside-down "Underwater" vibe just to see who’s paying attention, this collection is built for the delightfully absurd. It’s the perfect way to wear your internal monologue on the outside, ensuring you only attract the right kind of weirdos while keeping the "normal" people comfortably confused.
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I love creepy stuff all year long.
Embrace your inner low-effort icon with the Creepy Parody Tees collection, where we’ve perfected the art of "I’m only here so I don’t get haunted." Designed for the person who loves the spooky season but finds the idea of wearing a full-body foam suit physically offensive, this line offers the ultimate "lazy" Halloween costumes that double as year-round minimalist staples. Whether you’re a toddler looking to unsettle your parents or a seasoned adult who just wants a shirt that matches your dark, caffeinated soul, these designs are as sharp as a slasher’s wit and twice as comfortable. It’s the perfect attire for looking subtly deranged at the grocery store or convincing people you actually put in effort for the office party—all while maintaining the eerie, satirical edge that defines your existence.
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I'm obsessed with dangerous vintage inventions.
Travel back to a simpler, more radioactive time with the Vintage Inventions collection, a sartorial tribute to the miracle cures and "cutting-edge" gadgets that definitely didn't work—and probably shortened a few lifespans in the process. From radium tonics promising "liquid sunshine" to rubber reducing masks that literally threatened to melt your face off, these parody tees celebrate the timeless tradition of consumers falling for absolute nonsense. Whether you're "investing" in a 1936 dimple creator or just mocking the fact that humanity's gullibility hasn't changed a bit since the turn of the century, these designs are for anyone who appreciates the dark humor in a beautifully designed health hazard. It’s the perfect way to signal that you’re onto the "miracles" of today while rocking the high-def absurdity of yesterday’s most dangerous marketing campaigns.
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Guilty Kick Branded Tees
This is way too soon to sell branded tees. NOBODY KNOWS who we are. Well, maybe a few people. Gary has been wearing the branded tees for a week now, working in his office in the basement. Needless to say, he's not increasing brand awareness. Makes me wonder: is he an asset or a liability? But if you wear one of these tees, everyone will think you know something they don't. And you do. You know just how cool Guilty Kick Apparel is. They will envy your awesome, underground, indie-branded t-shirt (we're not underground. Only Gary is). Tempting, isn't it?
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The Archive: Rejects from some other era
Gary found these t-shirts under the stairs in the basement in a cardboard box marked "REJECTS 1973." But rejects in 1973 could be gold now. So we're selling them.
Whether it’s charting the tragic decline of a mustard bottle or documenting the slow-motion car crash of an introvert losing their verbal filter, these designs celebrate the "tragicomic" reality of being human.
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Vintage Parody Poster Art
Elevate your home decor from "neglected dorm room" to "sophisticatedly unhinged" with the Vintage Parody Poster Art collection, where high-brow framing meets low-brow humor. This series takes the most delightfully deranged concepts from our vintage graphic tees, like those suspiciously cheerful rubber hose mascots, and gives them the prestige treatment they absolutely do not deserve. Whether you’re looking for a minimalist movie parody that screams "I have a film degree and a very specific set of grievances" or a vintage ad for a fictional product that likely violates several modern safety codes, these posters are designed to be the ultimate conversation starter (or ender). It’s the perfect way to display your commitment to the bit, proving that even your wall art understands the fine line between mid-century aesthetic and a total social burnout breakdown.
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