Confess.
You aren't fooling anyone. We know you’re wearing sweatpants on that video call, we know you’re just guessing the pronunciation of charcuterie, and we definitely know how much you love reality TV. We aren’t judging. We’re designing for it.
Guilty Kick is the apparel for the hyper-specific, the literalists, and the people who appreciate a good parody. It’s the guilty pleasure you wear in plain sight so the right weirdos can find you.
Unpacked: brand new vintage sunbaked tees
In the dead of summer, Gary took an emergency three-week sabbatical to Florida to visit the parrot who had recently retired. Naturally, he took the company pickup. Unnaturally, he left a massive shipment of brand-new, premium tees completely exposed in the truck bed. For twenty-one days, those shirts baked under a brutal, unrelenting tropical sun.
What now? Throw them out? Absolutely not. Gary just grabbed a sharpie, slapped "VINTAGE" on the box, and marked up the price.
50% off - Going out of style summer sale!
Hand Picked from the Archive: Gary found these t-shirts under the stairs in the basement in a cardboard box marked "REJECTS 1973." So we're selling them at a discount. Because rejects in 1973 could be gold now.
GUILTY KICK CONFESSIONS
Let’s face it: society demands that we pretend to be thriving, well-adjusted adults who memorize 20-character passwords, cook artisanal three-course dinners on weeknights, pronounce foreign charcuterie boards with effortless French flair, and maintain lush indoor jungles while crushing early-morning video calls in fully tailored attire.
We say: enough.
The Guilty Kick Confessions collection is our minimalist, high-contrast tribute to the unspoken realities we all share but refuse to admit out loud.
Keep it quiet. Keep it comfortable. Wear your confessions.
What's your kick?
Submit your own guilty kick, and if we use it on a shirt, you get the shirt for free.
Introducing
Other Confessions
Some confessions don’t use words. Some use a banana in a trench coat or put a whole apple in an appletini. Vintage mistakes that we exploit and make fun of now.
We have fresh produce in existential crisis. Horribly unsafe vintage inventions. Current complaints about your domestic pet partners. Minimalist movie parodies with shapes: you get it immediately or… probably never. If you get it, confess and join an exclusive club where the perk is: you’re not alone.
There’s something for everyone. Also, something for no one. We’re comfortable with that. It’s who we are.
Who are you?
New Arrivals
Fresh from the Warehouse: Our logistics department finally found these under a pile of 1984 tax returns. Get them before they disappear again. And don't worry, we stopped using formaldehyde and phthalates in the 1970s,
Introducing
The guilty kick way
Most brands have a "vision." We have a 400-page legal transcript involving a stolen 1970s printing press and a parrot named The Auditor. We don't design shirts because we want to; we do it because the court order was very specific about our community service requirements. It’s a long story involving high-level bureaucracy, a lot of vintage ink, and of course, Gary. It's got his dereliction of duty all over it.
Introducing
Guilty Kick Branded tees
This is way too soon to sell branded tees. NOBODY KNOWS who we are. Well, maybe a few people. Gary has been wearing the branded tees for a week now, working in his office in the basement. Needless to say, he's not increasing brand awareness. Makes me wonder...
